Police Officer On LSD Attempts To Save Anti-Masturbation Dolphin Mascot From Imaginary Fire

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Phoenix Police Officer on drugs saved dolphin mascot
A Phoenix Police Officer on drugs attempted to save a dolphin mascot from a nonexistent fire. (AP Photo / Dennis System)

PHOENIX, AZ (AP) — Late last night, a Phoenix police officer broke into a local YMCA during a meeting for Christians who are striving to live a masturbation-free lifestyle. The officer’s intentions was to save the organization’s dolphin mascot from a burning fire, but it turned out there was no fire and detectives say the officer was on a “Massive amounts of LSD and hallucinating”.

When police arrived to arrest 41-year-old Tom Downey of the Phoenix Police Department, they found the man naked, running around in circles and chasing after the group’s dolphin mascot who he believed to be on fire. Downey told detectives he had taken a mixture of LSD, cough medicine and antifreeze earlier that day.

“He believed that the residence was on fire and he was rescuing the organization’s dolphin mascot,” said Phoenix Officer Rico Lee. “I instructed the mascot to stop, drop and roll which calmed Downey down enough for us to put handcuffs on him. In Downey’s mind, once the dolphin was safe from this imaginary fire, then his job as a police officer was successful. If this had been a real fire, and Downey wouldn’t have been on acid, we would probably give him an award of some kind for bravery. Unfortunately there was no fire and he was on acid.”

37-year-old Paul Horner, AKA Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, a mascot for a Christian organization that travels around the country educating children about the dangers and consequences of touching yourself, told CNN about the events that occurred that evening at the YMCA.

“This man broke through the glass window to our room and started running around yelling ‘fire!’,” Horner said. “That’s when he set his sites on me, telling me that dolphins shouldn’t be out of the water and that I was going to catch on fire if I didn’t immediately return to the ocean. I kept telling him that I wasn’t actually a real dolphin but just a man dressed up in a dolphin costume.” Horner continued, “Besides being on drugs, he looked like a heathenish self-rapist too. I’ll say a prayer for him, not a full-prayer though, just a half-prayer.”

41-year-old Phil Freedom, who was at the Christian meeting, witnessed the act in question by Officer Downey and Horner.

“This man was just standing there, naked, staring through the glass at our room where our meeting was going on with so much anger. He then broke through the glass and started running after the dolphin, taking off the mascot’s head and shouting obscenities. It was absolutely horrifying.”

Still in shock and recovering from the wild incident with Officer Downey, CNN asked Horner how he was holding up.

“Beneath this dolphin costume there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask there is an idea, and ideas are bulletproof,” Horner said. “Remember, remember the 5th of November – which happens to be my birthday. The gunpowder treason and plot. I know of no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot.”

Downey has been charged with criminal trespassing, resisting arrest, assault, public intoxication and third degree criminal mischief and put in the Phoenix county jail on a $25,000 bail.

This is not the first run in for officer Downey with narcotics. In 2015, Downey was under investigation for an undocumented kilogram of pure cocaine that was found in Downey’s squad car, but due to a technicality, Downey was never charged.

Downey faces a suspension, possible termination and prison time.

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10 COMMENTS

  1. “Late last night, a Phoenix police officer broke into a local YMCA during a meeting for Christians who are striving to live a masturbation-free lifestyle. The officer’s intentions was to save the organization’s dolphin mascot from a burning fire, but it turned out there was no fire and detectives say the officer was on a “Massive amounts of LSD and hallucinating”. . . .
    37-year-old Paul Horner, AKA Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, continued, “Besides being on drugs, he looked like a heathenish self-rapist too. I’ll say a prayer for him, not a full-prayer though, just a half-prayer.””
    “Horner”, “Fappy”, “Anti-masturbation”, “heathenish self-rapist”, and “half-prayer”! This thing is a gold mine!

  2. What dangers is this group talking about? Are they still trying to get people to believe they would go blind if the masturbate? Do these people know they are in the 21st century and not in the 19th century?

  3. Insanity. No, not the LSD: the poor guy could have been using it under supervision of knowledgeable friends and not hurt or humiliated himself while receiving the documented benefits of increased spiritual awareness – a strange irony considering that he was caught horrifying a bunch of Christians. But yes, it’s the Christians that are insane. How did the word of their prophet Christ – who taught universal love, acceptance, and joy – get perverted into a cult of people who are so terrified of pleasure, exploration, new ideas, new experiences, and the human body that they spend time and energy worrying about people touching their genitals instead of learning to love each other? In particular, learning to love people unlike them. Which of course, was the core of Christ’s teachings.

  4. As a follow up the the story. The LGBT community has added MD to the end of their acronym, now becoming LGBT-MD because of their overwhelming concern for inclusiveness of Masterbating Dolphins and the way they are shunned in particular by deplorable right wingers.

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